i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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