Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
