i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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