I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its not stalking. its research.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
