Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
