Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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