Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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