My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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