Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We're too hungover to prance.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
