good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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