I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
