ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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