Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
