A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
