you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
