his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
