Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
