i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
