Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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