Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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