I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
These tits shall not be calmed
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
