There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
