dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
