Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
