I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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