you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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