You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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