Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
