he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
