do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
