Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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