I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
