I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
