Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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