I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
