Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
