a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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