Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
