I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
