We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
