Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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