took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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