my phone needs a breathalizer
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
