Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
