Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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