The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
