ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
