Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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