I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
