I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
