we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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