After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
