Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
